A whistle, a hoot, a “hey beautiful”
that never made anyone feel beautiful. Ever. He looks her up and down, she looks straight ahead, seemingly unbothered until I feel a tug on my arm, a quickening of pace, an abrupt silence cutting into our chatter. She who I’ve just met today, our arms interlocked, she didn’t need to say anything for me to know that she was uncomfortable. The two of us may just be strangers loosely tied together by a mutual friend, but that day on 37th street, I could read her mind. She’s probably thinking: mouths need seals, to stop ugly words from leaking out.
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Your Body Your Choice Vicki Wu **TW: RAPE AND TRAUMA** CAST MELANIE: young woman who was raped and gets pregnant, age 22 MELANIE’S CONSCIENCE: Melanie’s conscience wants her to get an abortion KAELYN: Melanie’s daughter, age 5 JANET: Melanie’s supportive best friend, age 22 SOPHIE: teenage girl who gets accidentally pregnant, age 19 PRO-LIFER 1 AND 2: middle-aged women who stand across the street of an abortion clinic to protest those who want to get an abortion SYNOPSIS MELANIE finds out that she is pregnant by her rapist, and is pressured to keep her child. Not only does she have to heal her wounds and overcome the trauma she has gone through, but she also has to raise and take care of her child with birth defects. She feels miserable when her daughter asks who her dad is and barely has enough money to raise her child. They are forced to live in harsh conditions. PROLOGUE Lights on. MELANIE wakes up on the couch. Bottles of alcohol are scattered on the kitchen floor. MELANIE (looking over at the clock and placing her hand on her stomach) Ugh… What time is it? JANET You should really stop day drinking, Mel. It's 1:30 PM and you’re almost late to therapy. MELANIE But it really helps clear my mind from what happened a few weeks ago… JANET (faintly sighs) Mmm okay then. We should get going. I’ll drive. MELANIE: Okay let me go to the bathroom real quick. MELANIE walks to the bathroom and rummages through the drawers. She takes out a pregnancy test and leaves the stage. Thirty seconds later, she comes back. MELANIE (closing her eyes) Please don’t be positive. Please don’t be positive. Please don’t be positive. MELANIE opens her eyes. Dramatic music plays as she drops the pregnancy test on the floor. She drops onto her knees, expressionless, eyes wide open, staring at the floor. SCENE 1 MELANIE and JANET are on their way to an abortion clinic. They are currently outside an abortion clinic. MELANIE (shaking) I’m kinda nervous, Janet. I’m not sure if I should go through with this anymore. JANET You’ve been saying how you wanted an abortion ever since you found out you were pregnant. I’ll support whatever decision you go with, but it seems like you really want this. MELANIE You’re right. I do want this. The baby was probably harmed from all the alcohol I drank. PRO-LIFER 1 and PROLIFER-2 are across the stage. They yell out to MELANIE and JANET. PROLIFER 1 Are you crazy, lady? You realize you’re about to murder a living human being, right? MELANIE Well, I think that — PROLIFER 2 Have you ever witnessed an abortion? An unborn baby, with a heart, fighting for their life, desperately trying to move away but can’t. It’s just gruesome. PROLIFER 1 All human beings have human rights, and unborn babies are still human beings. They have the right to not be intentionally killed. PROLIFER 2 Yeah! Abortion is morally wrong. You’ll go to hell if you go through with this. MELANIE But I’ve been -- PROLIFER 1 If you don’t want the child, give birth and allow the couples that do want a child to adopt it. MELANIE starts crying and JANET puts her arm around her. JANET Don’t let them get to you, Mel. They don’t know your story. It’s your body, so it’s your choice. I’ll be with you the whole way. MELANIE (shaking) I-I can’t do this. MELANIE runs off the stage to the left. JANET MEL! COME BACK! Janet runs off the stage to the left. SCENE 2 MELANIE sits alone in her bedroom a week after the abortion clinic incident. She lays on her bed. There is a nightstand next to her bed with a dim lit lamp on it. MELANIE (to herself) I haven’t been feeling too great lately… MELANIE’S CONSCIENCE (appears from behind her bed) You shouldn’t go through with this. MELANIE But don’t you remember what those guys said? MELANIE’S CONSCIENCE So what? You’re going through a tough time right now and giving birth to a child you have to raise will make your situation worse. MELANIE What are you talking about? MELANIE’S CONSCIENCE You lost your job after you were raped, and you can barely afford to pay for yourself. Once you have your child, you can’t ask Janet for more money considering how much she’s helping you out right now. Your child isn’t going to live such a great life with your current condition, you know? MELANIE But everyone’s going to look down on me if I have an abortion… MELANIE’S CONSCIENCE Who cares what others will think? People don’t even know what you’ve been through, they’re in no place to judge you and your decisions. You’ll always have Janet by your side to support you. You shouldn’t have to go through even more pain and try to raise a child that won’t live a good life. You aren’t ready for this, Melanie. MELANIE I can’t... People will judge me for the rest of my life. Just leave me ALONE! You don’t know what you’re talking about! MELANIE turns off her lamp and goes to sleep. SCENE 3 Five years later, Melanie sits in her bedroom with her daughter, Kaelyn. Toys are scattered across the floor. Kaelyn is on her bed. Melanie sits at her desk, scrolling through her laptop. KAELYN Mommy, who’s my dad? We were drawing family pictures in class today and my friends asked me who my dad is, but I dunno who he is. MELANIE pauses. MELANIE Well, um… your dad can’t be with us. He’s in a far away place. KAELYN (frowns) Why not? MELANIE (sadly) You’ll understand when you’re older, sweetie. KAELYN (sniffles) Why can’t I know now? MELANIE You’ll understand soon. It’s okay, honey, we have each other. And that’s all that matters. KAELYN (shouts) But all my friends at school will make fun of me in class for not having a dad! MELANIE It’s okay, sweetie… KAELYN (shouts) NO IT’S NOT! KAELYN starts to yell. MELANIE kneels down and starts shaking and crying while hugging Kaelyn. KAELYN (confused) Mommy? SCENE 4 After a few days pass by, Melanie and Janet decide to meet up for some coffee. Melanie sits outside a coffee shop, with drinks on the table, and jitters her leg up and down while waiting for Janet to arrive. JANET I’m here! JANET enters from the left of the stage. JANET How’ve you been doing, Mel? MELANIE (sighs) I’ve been better... Kaelyn asked me who her father the other day was and I didn’t know how to respond. JANET What’d you end up telling her? MELANIE (sobs) Well, I didn’t want to lie to her because she’d find out eventually. But she’s too young to know the truth. I just told her she would find out soon, and then she got all upset that I didn’t tell her. Watching her cry broke my heart. And I can’t believe I fell apart. IN FRONT OF HER. I’m such a horrible mother. MELANIE I should’ve never listened to those stupid people. I should’ve gotten an abortion. Now, Kaelyn is having a hard time dealing with things because she has ADHD from all the alcohol that I drank. And I can’t even provide emotional support for her because of my depression and all the time spent at work. JANET You’re not a terrible mother. Even though you’re going through a rough patch right now, you’re trying to do all that you can for her. MELANIE But I’m not enough for her. And I’m never going to be. JANET Mel, you’re prioritizing her over everything else. You’re doing all that you can. You are working three different jobs to provide for her while also trying to overcome your PTSD. She doesn’t realize how hard you’re working for her because of how young she is. I’m sure when she’s older she’ll realize it and be more appreciative. And I’ll be there for you every step of the way. MELANIE places her hand on her cheek and leans on it, with a pondering expression, while tears form into her eyes. MELANIE I feel like I should’ve gone through with that abortion… JANET Yeah, you shouldn’t have let those two women’s opinions get to you. But what’s done is done. Don’t ponder about the past, and focus on what you can do now to heal yourself. Everything will be fine, Mel. Give it some time. I’m here for you no matter what. JANET moves her chair alongside MELANIE’s and puts her arm around her. JANET smiles and hugs MELANIE. MELANIE leans into JANET’s embrace. SCENE 5 A few years go by. Melanie is sitting at a desk in a room. Bookshelves are on the right and papers are stacked on her desk. MELANIE Hey Sophie, come on in! SOPHIE awkwardly enters the room, avoiding eye contact. MELANIE (smiles) No need to be shy or embarrassed, I’m here for you. SOPHIE (lightly) Haha yeah, right… um… I’m a month pregnant and I don’t know what to do… My mind is telling me to get an abortion because my mom would KILL me if she found out I had sex, but at the same time my boyfriend keeps telling me that if I get an abortion, that means I’m a murderer and I’ll go to hell. And before you judge me, YES, I did use protection, but it broke. MELANIE I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to help you. SOPHIE smiles. MELANIE Listen, you should do whatever your heart tells you to do. Don’t listen to what others think. I went through something similar. When I was 22, I was raped and got pregnant. SOPHIE Oh my god, I’m so sorry to hear that. MELANIE Yeah… it was rough. At the time, I wanted an abortion, but two women across the street of the abortion clinic told me the same things your boyfriend told you. My best friend supported mydecision of wanting to get an abortion, but I just let those two stupid women’s opinions affect me. If you want this, then you should do it. You shouldn’t let others' opinions affect yours. SOPHIE (tears up) Yeah, but I'm so scared that people will judge me for the rest of my life. And my boyfriend will break up with me and hate me forever. MELANIE If that so-called boyfriend of yours doesn't support and respect your decision o, then kick him out of your life. He’s not the one going through the nine months of pain. SOPHIE But what about the people who will judge me? I just don’t want anyone to think differently about me because of this… MELANIE It’s your body, so it’s your choice. And people’s opinions shouldn’t matter because they don’t know your current situation. I am here to support you. If you’re not ready for a child, then you shouldn’t go through with it. I had these same exact thoughts when I was in your place, and looking back at it, I should’ve not let those women get into my head. My current living situation with my daughter isn’t the best, and I wished she would’ve grown up in a better environment with a better mother. I had PTSD when I had her as well, so I distanced myself a lot from her. It was so hard to give her the love that she needed because I didn’t even love myself. Our relationship is still rocky, but I try my best every day. But it’s so hard to do that when I have to work a minimum wage job with long hours. I barely have time to see her because I am trying to support her financially, but I’m sure she’ll understand when she’s older. If you don’t follow your gut instinct, you’ll probably regret it when you’re older. Don’t make the same mistakes as me. SOPHIE Oh… that’s a lot to take in. I’m so sorry to hear that and I hope things get better for you, but I understand what you’re trying to say. Thank you for the advice, and sharing such a personal story with me. I need some time to rethink things and be confident in whatever I decide to do. MELANIE I’m glad I could help. MELANIE smiles as tears form in her eyes. She tries to wipe them away but tears keep forming. SOPHIE smiles shyly at the ground. EPILOGUE After a month goes by, SOPHIE decides to go back to visit MELANIE. MELANIE sits in the same room, with bookshelves on the right and papers stacked on her desk. SOPHIE enters the room. MELANIE Hi Sophie! It’s been such a long time, how’ve you been doing? SOPHIE (excited) I did it, I got an abortion a week ago! MELANIE Oh my god! I’m so proud of you for listening to your heart. SOPHIE (softly laughs) At first, I was pretty scared honestly. My boyfriend kept texting me all these mean things and threatening to break up with me. It took awhile for me to come to this decision, and going back and rethinking what you said really helped. I thought about the consequences of not going through with the abortion, and then what you said. I just feel like I’m not ready to be a mother yet. Plus, my parents wouldn’t even support me and be mad at me forever. I just came by to update you because I just wanted to share the news with you! MELANIE I’m so glad to hear that! MELANIE smiles as her heart fills with warmth. See What's Within Sylvia Lee Sylvia Lee
Dana I’m sleeping right now…. My bed is too comfortable for him to be talking to me... I wish he’d just go away… Leave me alone… Why do you have to keep hurting me? “I’m a part of you, idiot. Maybe if you stopped whining like a little bitch, you’d have a better time with me.” Ugh. As always, he’s right. Desmond might be a bastard, but everything he says is right, no matter how much people tell me to deny. Fuck’s sake, why does he always have to be right next to me? Even when I’m trying to have fun? Like this Sunday. When I went out on that picnic with Gretel and Hazel in Central Park, I was laughing, joking around like every teenage girl would. Looking on Instagram and laughing at girls doing dumb stuff. I was so goddamn happy….with all my well thought out jokes... And Desmond had to pop in and say, “You’re not funny. You’re so annoying and I seriously hope you know that.” Damn. It was hard, but I tried to hit back. “I am funny. Don’t you see all my friends laughing with me?” “Girl, are you fucking dumb? They’re just doing that to be nice because they have manners, unlike you. Your sense of humor is so stupid. Who in their right mind would laugh at dumb stuff like that?” “ " That’s not true! They’re perfectly happy with me around!” “Stop being stupid already, Dana. Are you deaf or something? You can clearly hear their fake laughter. Just look at them!” I blinked tearfully. In front of me, my two friends were laughing at something. With their backs turned to me. I didn’t hear them call out ‘Dana’, and I don’t think they did. Only the ringing sounds of pure, ignorant laughter fill my head. “Now do you believe me?! They don’t want you here! You’re just a waste of their time! And to add on, you’re an eyesore! They can’t even bear to look at you, and yet you still think that they want to laugh with you?! You’re delusional, girl. Believe me when I tell you that they don’t want you here.” Desmond’s rant ended, and for a moment, I couldn’t feel anything. I closed Instagram and stuffed my phone back in my coat pocket. Should I say goodbye to my friends? “Don’t. Don’t waste their time with your apology. Just leave. They won’t care.” Hazel turned around. Her light brown curls caught my attention. My soul re-entered my body. “Hey! You okay?” she called out to me. “Come over here!” “She’s just being nice. Do her a favor and just fucking leave.” “Come on…” Hazel’s voice became dragged out. She got up and walked towards me. “Look. You’re annoying her now. She’s wasting time because you’re so stupid. Look, she’s already got Gretel with her. You’re dead weight. She doesn’t need you when she’s got someone much better than you. You don’t deserve a good person like her, and she doesn’t deserve a fucking idiot like you.” “Uh-ummmmm…” My mouth cracked open weakly. Hazel stopped in her tracks and looked at me with sad eyes. The last thing I remember doing...is apologizing and going home. This memory is a week old, yet it still hurts. It really does, because the wounds are still fresh. I feel like I’m being bullied and I just want to hit back. Punch the guy until he falls down and bleeds out on the ground. But he’s not real. And all I’m doing right now is lying in my bed. “Stop being stupid. You know you can’t do anything about me. So don’t even think about it, alright? Besides, you need me. I’m all you’ve got right now.” “How the hell is that true?” I ask Desmond. “You’re just a bully. I don’t need you in my life.” “I’m the only thing that keeps you grounded. I’m the only one that tells you the truth when no one else wants to! Believe me, you’d be better off with me than without me!” “How the fuck do you, of all monsters, know that?! Are you in their minds too?!” “Of course. I’ve been with everyone under the sun. I tried my hardest to make their lives as miserable as possible, but they’re always strong enough to fight me off. I can’t do anything. Then, all of a sudden, I have nowhere else to go except to you. You’re too weak. You can’t get rid of me.” Sobbing, I get up out of bed. I want to call Gretel. “Hey. Don’t even bother,” Desmond whispers into my ear. “Do you think she needs you ruining her day? Nah, stay in bed. And don’t get up again. No one needs you spoiling their moods.” “I need to go to school, Desmond. Please, at least let me do that.” “I’ll make sure you don’t get up again. I can take care of you just fine.” Sigh. Desmond’s made that tempting threat before. You know, grab a whole bottle of pills and take a nap. Meh, I don’t really want to let him get to me today. I have too much work to do. My school attendance is complete shit, my grades are C’s and D’s, and I already have too much missed homework. I need to be better at school. “Stop worrying about school!” Desmond chimes. “Your teachers are all tired of you. Listen to me when I tell you that you’re better off at home. All of your peers have better things to do and better people to talk to than you and your problems. No one's gonna care. So don’t bother trying to bother them.” Sigh “I guess...you’re right. I’m tired anyway.” “That’s the spirit. It’s not like you’re gonna pay attention in class. Besides, you’re gonna die, so why take the long route and just go now?” Heh, okay. Now that’s a stretch. I’m gonna lay down, maybe fake being sick for a while. I don’t know. I don’t wanna do anything else. “DANA! Get your ass out of bed and get down here! You’ve got school!” Mom screams. I close my eyes, but it hurts. “Mom! I don’t feel well today! Can I just skip today?!” I shout back. “Who the fuck are you to demand shit in my fucking house?!” Mom screeches. I hear her footsteps storm up the steps. “Get out of bed, you lazy shit!” “See what I mean?” Desmond whispers. I squeeze my eyes, trying to shut everything out. “Mom...please. Seriously, I can’t do this. Just….give me a break, okay?” “STOP FUCKING AROUND WITH ME, WOMAN!” Mom screams while dragging me by the arm. “I’m already tired and I don’t need YOUR SHIT this early in the morning! What the fuck has happened to you?! You used to love school! You could get up early in the morning and you made my life so much easier! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Mom wraps her arm around the back of my neck and walks me down the hall, where she shoves me into the bathroom and slams the door behind me. My body now reeks of alcohol, a smell that no child should recognize. “She’s drinking again. And you know who’s fault that is? Yours and yours alone. She’s been drinking since you were born. You keep stressing her out. She was so much happier before you came along and destroyed her life. She had the ability to fend me off and now look at her! Succumbing to me like I’ve never seen before. I swear, you are the reason why she’s so miserable.” “I-I...hmmmm……..” *Sigh* Desmond… Desmond… Desmond… I can’t deny that. I really can’t. Honestly. I want to live, but at the same time, I feel like everyone’s better off without me. I’m just a waste of space. No one loves me. No one needs me. What am I doing here? Why am I still alive? I want to be happy. But obviously that’s not gonna happen, so the least I can do is...become numb. “Hey,” Desmond whispers calmly. “It’s okay. Dying is easy. Look around you. You have nothing to lose except your problems. And that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Yes. Yes it is. Just a few bottles of pills and I’m on the way… Eddie Okay, this is the first day of high school. I need to get my things ready. Alright, four marble notebooks, 20 pencils in my large pencil case, my binder, and my phone. What else, what else…? “Oh my God, that squirrel is so stupid!” “What?!” I rush to the window in front of me. There’s a squirrel munching on an acorn below a tree. Ugh, of course. Addison. Such an annoying bitch. I don’t understand why I fall for her crap over and over and over again. It doesn’t even mean anything! Sigh, forget it. Hopefully, I’ll pay enough attention in class and ignore Addison and the rest of her bullshit. Stuffing all my school supplies in my bag, I check my phone for the time. It’s- “Oh look! You just got a notification from school!” Addison giggles. “Huh! So I did,” I say. I open it up to see the content. “See now! Prom is on the way and you haven’t even gotten ready. You need an outfit ASAP!” “You’re right! What should I wear…….?” I stare wistfully at my closet. Should I wear the blue tuxedo that Mom bought for me or the black James Bond suit? I grab my backpack and sift through the clothes. Hmmmm….not this one, or that, or- “Eddie! You’re almost late for school!” OH-AAAAAAGGGGHHHH! I thought I was just gonna check the time! And then I got sidetracked by Addison and prom because I’m stupid like that. What time is it?! “Eddie! This is a great look for you!” Addison shouts in my ear. “Shut up! Okay, it’s 7:50 AM. If I run to school, I can still make it.” I nod my head eagerly. I run straight down the stairs and out the door. Looking straight ahead, I can see my school about a meter away. The usual crowd around the building is nonexistent, which makes my heart skip a beat. I take a deep breath as I take my fir- *Growl* “Hey. I can tell that you’re hungry. Look! A deli! To your right!” Addison turns my head to the right and I see a convenience store that doubles up as a deli. It’s selling…. “Turkey sandwiches! Oooohhhh…...You should get one. First, gotta check the wallet for any money. Score! Twenty bucks. Let’s go!” Addison yells. I rush over to the deli on Addison’s accord. There, we stare at the posters taped onto the windows. “Sweet!” Addison exclaims. “There’s a discount on the turkey sandwiches too! Oh, but this BLT....It looks so good and everyone is talking about how good it is. But turkey’s an amazing favorite. Ugh……what should we get?” *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* “Wait, what? What’s that sound?” Addison asks. “Is that...my phone?” I reach into my pocket. Oh! A notification from my friend Sammy. And it’s about……. AAAAHHH! WHY?! I COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT I’M LATE FOR SCHOOL. I run like the Flash to school. “Aw, you just squashed a whole anthill under your foot!” Addison whines. “Yeah, yeah. Poor bastards,” I groan. “Ugh, why the fuck do I even still listen to you?” “I don’t know. But you should, right?” “Yeah,” I sigh. “I guess.” Why am I so stupid? I mean, I’m not stupid. I get good grades without cheating and I participate in class a lot. But why does the reason that I’m good at school have to be that I need to distract myself from Addison? I don’t understand and I’m honestly TIRED of it. In no time at all, I reach the school. After a major reprimand from the principal, who roams the halls everyday, I reach my second period class. My walk of shame into the classroom is not amusing. AT. ALL. And I wanna die. “Hee hee hee, little bowl of paper flowers. So cute!” Addison squeals. Wait, really? I spy with my little eye…...oh! A little bowl with paper flowers of varying colors! Heh, that’s actually pretty cute. Wonder why the Mr.Ng put that- “EDDIE! What are you doing?!” Mr.Ng yells. “Huh?! Oh, uh….sorry. I kinda dazed off a bit,” I whimper, scratching my head with embarrassment. “Well, refocus yourself! We have a lot to do today!” Mr.Ng goes back to teaching….whatever the hell he’s teaching. Shit, why can’t I remember what this class was? I picked this class as an elective! I’m honestly so dumb. *Thunk* “Eep! What’s that sound?” Addison squeals. I groan furiously. I look out the window and see a spot of blood. Okay. …. Wait, WHAT?! I turn to the window so hard, the tip of my nose hits the pane. After an “OOF” from Addison and rubbing my nose a bit, I blink rapidly until I can see clearly again. Yup, that is indeed a blood spot in front of my eyes. What the-what even happened here? “Eddie! Can you answer the question?!” Aaaagggghhhh…..Mr.Ng is on my tail. Ouch. "Dude,” Addison squeaks. “You gotta tell him about this.” “Um. Mr.Ng!” I yelp. “Something’s happened here!” “What?!” Mr.Ng booms. “What is it?” He stomps over to my seat at warp speed. I point to the window, where the spot is. He pushes my hand away and inspects the spot himself. "It’s probably nothing, Eddie….” Addison whispers. “Yeah! It-it’s probably nothing!” I repeat. “Then so be it,” Mr.Ng replies promptly. “Now, are you going to answer the question?” Ugh, I really can’t do this. I’m just too stupid. “What’s even worse is that no one understands how you feel. I’m the only one who knows what you’re going through,” Addison sneers. “Yeah….’cause you’re the one that put me in this situation in the first place.” Sayaka I’m sitting in math class. Tap tap tap, goes my pencil on my notebook. I stare at the blank page in front of me. Mrs.Wilson told the class to take notes because the topic is calculus and the chances of us remembering anything after today are slim. I haven’t written anything down because……..I don’t know. I’m looking at the board full of limits and trigonometric stuff that I’ve taught myself several years ago. I’ve got this. I know I’m gonna pass this test just like I did the last one. “You know,” Scott whispers. “Mrs.Wilson is gonna start walking around the class to inspect notebooks. You should really start writing. She’s called the parents of kids that come to class late. Do you wanna become a part of that kind of statistic?” Scott’s right. I immediately start scribbling notes into my notebook until my hand hurts. I know that Mrs.Wilson likes me and she wouldn’t call my parents just because I wasn’t taking notes, but I really can’t risk it. “Sayaka. Can you answer my question?” What? Who’s…...that? Who’s behind me? “Sayaka. Can you hear me?” It sounds like Mrs.Wilson, except it's about a half-step deeper. Is that...Scott? Yeah, it is. I just looked behind me and there was no one there because I’m in the back of the classroom. Ugh, goddamnit Scott. You and your stupid voices…..why do you always have to do them when I’m focusing in class? Why do you do them at all? It’s so annoying and it diverts my attention in so many ways. “Sayaka. Why’d you put your pencil down? Pick it back up, or I can give you a new one…” Nope. Scott, shut the fu-oh. There’s a hand in front of me holding a black pen. Where did this hand come from? It’s as white as a piece of paper. Basically if Slenderman had hands. I reach out to it. Wait, I can’t grab it. Ugh, Scott’s messing with me again. “Sayaka….you know I love you…” “Scott. For God’s sake. Keep your mouth shut for five seconds. Stop cooing in my ear and let me focus. You told me to take notes. I’m doing what you told me to do.” ……... “Erm….Sayaka? Is there something you want to share with the class?” What? Why is Mrs.Wilson asking me-oh crap. I just said that out loud, didn’t I? Dammit, this is embarrassing. Fucking Scott. I hate everything about you. “But I love you…” Scott whispers. God. SHUT. UP. I didn’t say that out loud. Yeah, I didn’t because I’m not making the same mistake I made just seconds ago. “Yeah, but you look weird,” Scott sneers. “I mean, you look like you’re mumbling stuff to yourself.” Oh snap! Do I?! I mean, I’m staring directly into space, but I think my mouth is moving on its own! Ack! Okay then, I guess I’ll just put my head down and work quietly. …. …. *Ding* *Ding* *Ding* Ah! End of school bell. That’s not English, but I’m glad I didn’t say it out loud. Unless SCOTT wants to mess around again, I’m pretty sure I’m safe for now. “Wheeeeee….I’m falling…..wheeeeeee...” Scott whispers “Argh. Shut up, man. I don’t need you right now,” I whisper back. “Awwww...so when do you need me?” “You know what my answer is? NEVER. Yeah, that’s a good answer.” “Heh, bitch please. Aren’t I fun to be around?” “Fuck. No. No way in hell are you fun to have. I better get the hell away from me or-or else…” “What? Whatcha gonna do about me, huh?” Sigh. I shake my head sadly. As much as I hate Scott, I have to admit. There really is nothing I can do to get rid of him. Sure, I can try to ignore him, but every time I do, he just gets louder and louder until I can’t do anything BUT listen to him. Ugh, I’m so over this. "Hey! Sayaka!” Someone’s yelling from behind me. Is this Scott again? No, I’ve heard this voice before. But, how can I be so sure? I don’t dare turn around; I’m tired of the embarrassment. “What?” I whisper. “Who is it?” “It’s Naomi! We’ve been friends for, like, the past eight years!” Naomi! “Hey! How’s it, er, hanging?” I ask awkwardly. “That sounds like a threat or an ideation,” Scott whispers in my ears. “Are you sure you wanna go through with that statement? I mean, you don’t hang out with her that much anymore. You probably don’t know her situation at the moment.” “Um, yeah,” I say uneasily. “Hi.” “Are-Are you okay?” Naomi asks, putting her hand on my shoulder. “You look a little pale.” “Oh no. I think she knows. She knows everything,” Scott cries. What the actual fuck is Scott talking about?! This is one of those moments when I absolutely cannot stand Scott. I need to lie down and rest my head before I lose my sanity. “Erm, I gotta go. I’m tired and uh-I just need to go,” I giggle nervously. “Awww…..you can sleepover at my house, you know,” Naomi winks at me. “R-Really?” I whimper pitifully. “It’s a trap. IT’S A TRAP!” Scott screams intensely. “Don’t go there. Don’t go. You don’t know what’s gonna happen to you there. Go home, go home…” Okay, I really can’t deal with this. I can’t talk anymore. I can’t think because of stupid SCOTT depleting my brain capacity. I have to go. Otherwise, Naomi’s gonna get stressed, and that’s the last thing I need. “Yeah. I have to go now. See ya tomorrow!” I shout. Not risking a possible breakdown in public because of her potential response, I run away, waving back at her just so she knows that I care. And so Scott can get off my ass. “You know she can see through you, right?” Scott asks. “And you know that you’re a pain in my ass, right?” I ask. “Yeah, yeah, I know that,” Scott sighs. I roll my eyes. Honestly, I’d rather be at school or at a friend’s house and talking to Naomi. Because as long as I’m being distracted from Scott, I’m pretty open and enthusiastic. However, because Scott is a weirdo and I’m afraid that I’m gonna say the wrong thing at the wrong time and everyone’s gonna think I’m crazy, I’m choosing to isolate myself. I don’t need people making me feel more self-conscious than I already am. Andrew About five minutes ago, I thought I was crazy. Why would I call myself that? Well, just five minutes ago, Candace told me that Dad was replaced by a clone. That sounds crazy, right? I mean, it’s impossible. Clones walking around? That sounds like something out of a science fiction horror movie. Not that I’ve seen any, of course. Okay. This is what happened: I woke up in a hospital gurney. Tubes and needles in my arms. I couldn’t move my body. At that time, I didn’t know what the hell was going on. ‘What am I doing here?’ was a recurring question in my brain that I just couldn’t find an answer to. Until my nurse came into my hospital room with life-changing news: “Are you feeling alright?” She asked. “Yeah. What happened?” I responded. “I guess I should give it to you straight,” she sighed. “You were hit by a car.” “WHAT?!” I screamed. “Shhhh….calm down. You’ll be alright. Just calm down. Luckily there were no serious injuries but you do need to rest for a while.” “What do you mean ‘calm down’ ?! You just told me I was hit by a car and you want me to brush it off?! Who hit me?” “The police are still investigating. Just take a breath and-” Someone knocked on the door. The nurse rushed out without another word and left me to my shock and despair. Then, five minutes later, my sister Kaylee walked in and said: “Hey. You good?” “NO!” I shouted. “Okay, okay. So, turns out, Dad got drunk and as he pulled into the driveway, he accidentally hit you on the way to the garage-” I blink. I’m back in my bed at home. Flashback’s over, and I’m still shocked by its contents. Dad got drunk, and hit me with his car. First of all, Dad’s not the type of person to drink. He’s told us that throughout his life, he’s avoided alcohol because he was afraid of its effects. Not only that, but he tried way too hard to achieve his driver’s license. I’m talking about how he literally retook that driver’s test six times. SIX. TIMES. All because he couldn’t do a U-turn the first five times. That’s insane, but of course, he wasn’t going to take anything if it wasn’t perfect. Obviously, he had a lot to lose. And also obviously, he’s my dad. He made sure everything I and Kaylee did was perfect. Like, to the frame! He’s stressed how dangerous alcohol and drugs were. He’s constantly checking in on our grades. He’s always involved in our lives and yet...he somehow slipped away to drink and drive. Why?! “Because he’s not your dad,” Candace says. “He’s not?” I ask back. “Yeah. You know your dad to be law-abiding, non-alcoholic, and an overall good citizen. But this man. The one that hit you while driving intoxicated….he’s not your dad. He may look like it, but deep down inside, he’s not your father.” “I-I guess…” “Why would you doubt me? See, you know what your father’s like, and the man who hurt you is the complete opposite! What’s there to doubt? He’s not your father, plain and simple.” *Knock, knock, knock* “Andrew? Are you okay in there?” Mom? What the-I thought she was at work! What’s she doing back at home? “Yeah! I’m fine!” I shout back. “Come out for breakfast!” What?! What time is it? Oh, it’s 7:30 AM and it’s Sunday. Duh. I get out of bed and walk downstairs...with cautious feet. I’m practically tiptoeing downstairs because I don’t want the imposter to hear me. “Andrew!” Mom yells, suddenly appearing in front of me. “What….are you doing?” “What? Um...nothing,” I reply meekly. “Come on! You don’t want your eggs and bacon to get cold, do you!” Honestly, I could care less. Mom drags me by the arm down the steps and sits me down on the dinner table. There, I see Kaylee, Mom (of course) with her hands on her hips, and a man. Sitting right next to me. He has blond hair, chiseled jawline, dark-rimmed glasses, pale skin…. Looking on his phone for the latest news. My father. Is he, though? He looks up, he sees me staring. He smiles a doll-like smile, and says: “Hey, Andy.” I blink. Oh God. “That’s not my name,” I reply sternly. “Hmmm? I-I know,” he says with a confused look on his face. I stare at him for another moment, before finally managing to tear my gaze away from his face. Just when I think I can calm down- “Dear Lord, Andrew. This man that almost killed you. He doesn't even know what your name is,” Candace sneers. “You know, Andy’s just a nickname that my dad gave me. You don’t need to exaggerate everything!” I clap back. “Why would he call you by the nickname after a traumatizing event?! Does he not remember?! Or perhaps….this is another imposter!” I roll my eyes. I swear to God, Candace sounded reasonable when we were in our room but now….. Ouch, my stomach’s acting up. Is it because of how stressed out I am when talking to Candace? “Mom, I don’t feel well. Can I go back to sleep?” I ask. “Oh?” The man replies. “I can give you some Tylenol. That’ll make you feel better.” What? My dad would never give me pills for anything. He hates them. “That’s it. You need to strike now!” Candace announces. “This isn’t your father. Nowhere near!” “WHAT?! Candace, NO!” I can feel my body get up swiftly, my knees hitting the table. But despite the pain, I mouth off to this….MAN. “NO! I’m-I’m fucking FINE! I don’t need your shit!” my mouth screams. I don’t even wait for a response. I run upstairs into my room and slam the door. I collapse on my bed and as quickly as it accumulated, my rage subsides. But I’m still pissed nonetheless. “Candace. What. The actual. FUCK was that?!” "What?! You weren’t gonna confront him! Someone had to do it!” “You don’t know that he’s an imposter yet! And-” “DON’T YOU DOUBT ME NOW! Do you have proof that he’s not an imposter?!” “So what if I do?! It’s absurd to even think about it!” Candace shuts up. Finally. Now I can confront the imposter civilly. Jessica I pace around my room. I’m trying to walk normally. That doesn’t sound difficult, right? But it is. For me, at least. I don’t understand why I feel this way. My right leg….doesn’t feel like it belongs to me. I feel like I’m falling every time I walk. However, that feeling is just one of the reasons why I hate my right leg. It’s fat and ugly and covered with cellulite on all sides. That’s what Bianca says, at least. “You don’t need it. It’s the truth,” she chortles. “Look, I still wanna walk-” “The doctor can give you crutches! You have nothing to worry about!” I roll my eyes. “No doctor would approve of the amputation of a healthy limb.” Bianca goes silent, but her words linger in my head. She’s not completely wrong. I mean, I’ve always liked my left leg more than my right one. The left one is slimmer and stronger, and I feel like I can conquer anything. Meanwhile, the right one was fatter, and every time I press my right foot down onto the ground, I hobble. One time, I even fell down and people stared at me going “Are you alright?” with their eyebrows raised. That was embarrassing. And I’m pretty sure more embarrassing incidents await me in the future. “Let’s prevent that then!” Bianca shouts. “Cut off that leg and you’ll feel normal again!” I stare at my right leg. If people only saw this leg and no other part of my body, they would think that I’m obese and lazy, which is completely wrong. I exercise every single day just to lose that dead weight, but it somehow always trips me up and I lose all my confidence. It would make sense for me to get rid of it as quickly as possible. “That’s the spirit! How about we go to the doctor to discuss this issue?” Bianca giggles. “Ummm….give me a minute.” I walk over to my closet and pick out a hoodie with a pair of sweatpants. Normally I’d get jeans, but today I wanna try something new. I start by putting my left leg into my pants. Holding onto my closet door with my left hand, I bend my right leg until my foot touches my butt. Then, with my right hand, I pull the sweatpants up and roll up the loose right pant leg. Looking into the closet mirror, I look like an amputee. I look like I got my right leg chopped off. “See? That looks WAY better than before!” Agreed. Without my right leg, the reflection in the mirror that’s staring back at me...looks normal. Like my body was meant to look like this. “Without that pesky leg, you’ll conquer a lot more in life!” Yes. That is true. This damn right leg was keeping me back all these years. Time to go to the doctor. Wobbling downstairs with my left hand propped against the wall or a railing, I grab my car keys and put on my left shoe. It’s the middle of summer, so no need for a coat, but that also means that my cane is gonna be covered in sweat. Ugh, this is gonna piss me off. “Doesn’t matter. It’s all for the greater good. You do remember what the greater good is, right?” "Yes, yes, of course I remember,” I sigh. “You never fail to remind me.” “But you understand why I keep telling you, right?” “I do, alright? I do.” Man, Bianca’s more enthusiastic about this than I am. Wonder what that says about me. Not gonna lie, I’m not looking forward to this. And no, I’m not afraid of doctors. It’s just that...whenever I go to any doctor’s office, I have anxiety like I’ve never had before and I stress out over the possibility that the doctor will say no to the procedure. It’s already happened to me three times before, and I’m not looking forward to the fourth. “Stop worrying! This is like plastic surgery! People get surgery to look better. This is technically the same thing!” “I-I guess….” With an uneasy hand, I step out of my house and into my car, which is parked in my driveway. The walk should take less than a minute, but somehow a lifetime passes by before I sit down at the wheel and drive off to the doctor’s office. While driving, Bianca’s energy flows through my body. My right leg starts throbbing, as if it’s begging me not to get rid of it. “Once it’s gone,” Bianca says. “You won’t have anything else to worry about. I promise.” “I know, I know. You don’t have to keep repeating it.” “I have to, you know? I feel like you don’t fully understand the point of all this.” I sigh and roll my eyes. What part of this operation do I not get? Get my leg cut off, start walking around with my crutches in hand…..what? Is there something missing here? You know what? It actually doesn’t matter considering that I’m already at the doctor’s office and I gotta get out of my car. Clutching my cane, I slowly open the door and step onto my left foot. Once I slam the door behind me, I feel my whole world stop. For a moment, I close my eyes and visualize what the inside of the doctor’s office looks like: A giant, empty waiting room… I walk up to the receptionist and sign myself in….. Then, the doctor comes out… And I tell him… “JESS! WAKE UP!” Huh?! Bianca! Why are you screaming at me?! Oh, I fell asleep at the steering wheel. How did that happen? I was so sure that I, at the very least, left my car. Meh, I climb out again with my cane and walk to the steps of the office, carefully watching where I put my foot. As I enter the waiting room, I see the receptionist on my left and the chairs on my right. I sign myself in on a piece of paper at the desk and hobble my way over to the chairs and sit down in one of them. Pulling out my phone, I mentally prepare myself for what’s gonna happen inside that office. “Don’t stress about it too much,” Bianca says. “As long as you have your goal in mind, nothing can stand in your way.” Part One: A Heavy Heart
When I walk to the bathroom each morning to brush my teeth, I stare in the mirror for a few seconds, looking at my wildly uncombed hair, my half-shut eyes, and think, “Why am I here? How am I still alive?” I wash my hair and walk out into the hallway, with water trailing behind me, wondering what I will have for breakfast. I grab a Chobani drink because I don’t feel like drinking milk, and sneak back into my room, hoping that my Dad does not hear me (though he is usually awake since 3 or so unless he is tired). I sit down at my desk and tell myself that I need to get the day in order and get things straight. Yet, in the back of my mind, I know that no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t seem to matter to my Dad. There seemed to be no use in trying to do my best. I always ended up in a depressed state, with people who don’t seem to care, and yet I am always hoping, praying, that something good comes out of my life. I know it is bad for me to think of life in this way, but it hurts to see that almost nobody cares. I look out of the window at all of the other buildings and think about my friends, and their friends, and their friends’ friends, who all seem so carefree with life. “Sounds like a good life,” I think to myself. But if I give this one up, what would I do? My conscience would probably be floating up in space, thinking about how stupid I was to die, and how if I stayed, life would’ve gotten better. Would my friends even remember me after a few years? Would they use me as a pity bag so others feel bad for them? Would people say bad things about me even after I died? I shake away the thought. I worry, I worry a lot. I worry probably more than I should. It is almost like I am going crazy in my own home. I miss my friends. I miss my family too. Leaving them may have been the worst decision of my life, even if it wasn’t my choice. Maybe it was all for the better. “All for the better,” I repeat in my head. I go to YouTube and search up skating clips to watch before class, even though I am not supposed to be on YouTube nor am I supposed to skate. But it is the morning and I am tired, yet my mind is restless, thinking about all the things that are going on in the world, the dead and the living.I need a break. April Skateboards uploaded a new video. I am happy again. The lonely world that seemed to have put me here for no reason suddenly lights up, and I know that even in the times that I am at my worst, there must be something that is out there for me. Maybe if I just keep a brighter outlook on life, it will help. I look out the window and the sun is shining bright. “Mr. Sun will be there forever, but I will not,” I tell myself “I just have to keep moving.” It is almost time for my first class. I pull out my notebooks from the shelf and start the zoom meeting. Part Two: Hope After I moved away from Florida, I felt that there was nothing that I could do to fix my broken heart. Every night I would study on the floor with boxes piled around me. I shared an air-mattress with my Mom and my Dad and worried that I would have to stay in a cramped apartment forever — we moved six times in two years. It was not an ideal life; in fact, I felt that I wasn’t even living a real life, I was in an unknown place, I had no friends and no family to talk to, and soon, only my Dad would be here with me. My past was behind me, but this was not the fresh start I was hoping for. I worry more than I should. I worried that we wouldn’t ever be able to survive in New York City. The “Big Apple.” The “City that never sleeps.” I was so used to having a simple life, being able to do anything I felt like doing, and most of all, feeling like I had a future. It seemed that in the city where dreams come true, I had lost all my hope. Two and a half slow years passed by, and I was finally out of middle school and off to high school, where things started to shift. I had severe Tourette’s syndrome since I was little, had trouble making friends and was bullied a lot. I decided that I wanted a fresh new start, a new perspective on my life. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself and feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive another day (though sometimes, these thoughts come back). Instead, I saw this as an opportunity for me, and I guess my Dad did too. Now that I am in junior year, I see that without the opportunity to go to Stuyvesant High School, my life may have still been a mess. I would not have been able to make friends, look out for the future, and help my Dad out if I had not been accepted. Having people to be with and trust is one of the best resources I received from school. Without them, I would probably still be in pain, and not be in as good of a mental state as I am in today. I probably would not even be on this earth if I had not changed my outlook on life. One thing I learned from this “adventure,” as my grandma used to put it, is that there is always, always something good that comes out of it. If I had stayed in Florida, I probably would not have graduated from high school, and though I would still have my old friends, I would not have the opportunities that I was given here to learn and make new friends throughout my life. I would have followed the path much of my southern family followed, of being too late, and eventually, that would hurt the course of my life. A lesson that I always hold true to my heart is to have hope. At one point, everybody struggles, but there is always a way out of it, and though it may seem like a miracle away, we always have the capability to achieve that miracle ourselves. So whenever something bad happens to me I just say “it’s an adventure” and go along with it to see where I end up next. Part Three: Forgiveness There must be a point in your life where you ask yourself: “Is there anyone that I need to forgive, or is there anyone I should be asking the forgiveness of?” I still have not come to the conclusion that there is someone who actually cares for my forgiveness. Yet, I am always wondering who I have wronged in my life and if the people who have done wrong to me will remember that they hurt me. We spend our whole lives waiting for others to die, and gathering people to our own funeral. But how is it that after they die, we realize that there is so much that we didn’t do with them, so much that we wanted to say, so much that we...missed? When I was little, I used to cry because I knew that everybody I loved would one day die, and if I didn’t die before them, I knew I would be alone. Alone forever. And to me, that was one of the scariest thoughts. Death. Many people who get sick, or are almost at their death point always regret the things that they didn’t do, that they couldn’t do. If I had died right now, there would be so many things, good and bad that I would have missed, and yet for so long I had wished to disappear, to be away from society, and the trauma that comes with life. When I tell myself that life is an adventure, I am really saying that I don’t want to die, because there is always a small chance that my life later could be better than it is now. It is hard to tell yourself to live, especially with depression, but I know that if I go away now, there will be so many opportunities that I would have missed and that I would be living an unfulfilled life. Now, with that being said, there are so many people constantly struggling in this world with depression, anxiety, and so many other issues that make them feel that life is a waste. However, the one thing everybody should know is that there is always somebody out there that will hurt when you die, somebody who will not forgive you for leaving this world. By leaving, you are not forgiving others, you are only increasing the burden on them. A true act of forgiveness comes from your actions here on earth and doesn’t involve you leaving it. Life may not be simple, and life may not be kind to all, but there is so much to do, and so much to see, that I hope you understand how important each and every person, including yourself, is to this world. You must forgive the fact that life is hard, and try to see the light that this world carries within. |
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