A Truth Universally Acknowledged Ivy Huang It is a truth universally acknowledged that every youngling at the prestigious Stuyvesant High School should strive for success (Austen, 1).
“Now, what I want is Success. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Success. Plant nothing else and root out everything else (Dickens, 1).1 There are only two types of people in the world: winners and losers. Winners are those who have achieved the sole purpose of life: getting into an Ivy League. The latter, sadly, fail to meet such standards and go on to live happy lives. Many of us are aware of the substance known as ... Happiness. My colleagues and teachers alike, have all witnessed the dangerous toll Happiness can have on children. As educators, it is our duty to protect our students from this toxic mixture of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins in their brains.” The scene was a plain, bare, monotonous vault of a school conference room, and the speaker’s square forefinger emphasized his observations by underscoring every sentence with a line on the bare chalkboard (Dickens, 1). The crowd of teachers erupted in cheers at Mr. Strangledchild’s words. One teacher was shaking in her boots as she recalled how one year, Happiness caused many of her students to pursue their dreams and worst of all: live life carefree. Smiling squarely at the applause, the speaker continued, “Raise these children with the fundamental values of Obedience, Obedience, and Obedience. Stress the importance of practical occupations. Doctors, lawyers, engineers, and accountants are all respectable positions. Discourage preposterous ‘jobs’ like that of a so-called ‘singer’, ‘writer’, ‘artist’ and even worse... an ‘actor’. Drill these thoughts into their malleable minds. Pour your spirits into their ears and when they’re finally ready for harvest— I mean graduation —they can be winners.” “At Stuyvesant, we want nothing but Success, sir; nothing but Success!” Another teacher had stood up out of the crowd of oversized tunics and mahogany sweaters. The rest slowly followed, slumping out of the plain gray conference-room chairs as their claps joined the cadence of the speaker’s wristwatch. At exactly eleven o’clock three Seniors descended to the lunchroom for a nutritious school lunch meal consisting of a pale banana and leftover cheese melted half-way on a dry hot dog bun. 98.5 did not mind the stench of the cheese, as she was more concerned with 94, their subpar peer. They2 were pronounced to be a very bad student indeed, a mixture of substandard indifference and mediocrity; they had no prospect whatsoever, no notable talent, no taste, no accomplishment. 97.15 thought the same, and added, “They have nothing, in short, to recommend them, but being an extraordinarily healthy person. I shall never forget their appearance this morning. No eye-bags, can you believe? They really looked almost wild” (Austen, 89). “They did, 97.15. They did, indeed. Very nonsensical to come at all! Last week, I heard they get more than three hours of sleep, nightly! I could hardly keep my countenance.” (Austen, 89) “Yes, and their smile; I hope you saw their smile this morning! Their smile was so wide and their composure was so lively, I am absolutely certain she has been infected with Happiness.” “No way,” gasped 96.3; “but I thought 94 got into Cornell, did they not? My mother told me it is impossible for Ivy Leaguers to catch Happiness.” “Oh please, Cornell is barely an Ivy League.” The trio’s chuckles were interrupted by a sudden appearance of 94 in the distance. To the surprise and horror of both 97.15 and 96.3, 98.5 makes a gesture towards 94, ushering them over. 1 This is from Charles Dickens’ novel Hard Times which takes place during the industrial revolution in England and satirizes economic conditions at the time as well as the education system. 2 94 is non-binary
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