Belated Birthdays Dalia Levanon our dorm room
has a certain fragrance so whenever i push open the steel door i am greeted by the gentle scent of apple vanilla scented candles kitty litter ben & jerry’s cherry garcia ice-cream which violet eats by the pint she buys it at the convenience store on the other side of campus because the prices are worth the commute she insists i rake my fingers through my choppy curls staring at the blank document on my laptop my knees pulled to my chest third period seminar begins in half an hour and i just got back from my poetry workshop crumpled gift bags are strewn across my bed each with the generic Happy Birthday written in rose gold lettering they only sell one design at the bookshop i don’t mind i cherish each of the presents i was given a dandelion chain from the friend who works two jobs and still can’t pay off her student loans the latest rupi kaur book from my peer who rarely speaks in class but once we’re dismissed never stops telling stories a blue faux succulent from my lab partner in neurobiology who claims that she couldn’t find any green ones and a candid portrait of myself from violet i look at this drawing now at the half-smile on my face my arms folded on the wooden desk eyes rolling at a comment the professor made i think back to five years ago where life was a mess of uncertainty paper masks and hand sanitizer online textbooks and walks in the dark because there was nothing else to do wondering what it would be like in college when life was supposed to get better well i whisper into the ears of this fifteen year old who mindlessly tears pieces of tape into shards of transparency it does get better it will get better life will always be a mess of uncertainty getting older is not about life getting easier cleaner more manageable it is about accepting the precariousness of each day each moment being grateful for every minute that you spend on this planet smelling the familiar scents of each home you will have collecting the gifts from the friends that you will someday meet she nods glancing at her global history homework i watch her knowing that she will not understand cannot understand until she has lived through my life and has become me just like i do not understand my life now and will not until i have experienced more of it in five years time wherever i am whoever i am.
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